I have found that I have spent the time traditionally used to make resolutions in deep reflection not because I do not have goals and targets- I am still resolved to make things happen to achieve my dreams of riding at advanced level so the reflective state has been an organic process.
I had so much fun at the start of the month training with James and the sessions were successful. James seems to understand where I am at and where I want to be and he helped me work with Jack praising his good behaviour and not reacting to his moments of uncertainty. Jack was very motivated in the sessions and I felt a joy return to his work as he and grew in confidence in our partnership and it was a return to the happy days of trust and fun. Jack and I have been enjoying ourselves out hacking and in the show jump field for months but had become worried about riding in the arena after some difficult sessions last year. Jack thrives on fun and being praised. Jack is not a naughty horse but he can sometimes behave in ways I wish he wouldn't. I came away from the first session believing that if Jack did include some airs above the ground I could cope and so therefore I did not need to worry about that possibility. I think that's why the joy returned. James explained it as Jack and I getting a bit cross and tense with each other at times and that once we had let the worry of those times go and focused instead on all the positives we would be back to working as a team. Day two was highly successful and it was as though we were a different combination. We had so much fun and I found myself with the wonderful centred feeling which I can only describe as a personal internal balance. A sense of symmetry, self belief and adrenalin. A sense of riding being possible, incredible and the most wonderful thing in the world. James works on the basis of positive reinforcement for horse and rider. On day one James was reminding me to walk and pat Jack after good moments, by day two I was trusting my feel and praising Jack when things felt good. After one particularly good transition I was so happy I walked and flung my arms around Jack's neck. I am over the moon to feel like I have my horse back and I imagine Jack is relieved to have his rider back. The rider who trusts him and thinks he's wonderful and can be amused at his spooking and silliness.
I carried forwards my elation to the session with Sam too. It was a lunge session and I felt as though I was back at exam training all over again- I was desperate to lunge correctly and effectively and uneasy lest I should make a mess of things. Of course I was able to lunge Sam and to show how we were progressing. James and I discussed the next steps and I feel excited yet calm about the month ahead. There is quite a lot of homework to focus on before I meet with James next month and this is helpful. I feel very honoured to be working with Sam, not only is he well bred and closely related to a horse I admire , Shadowfax sharing Sandro Hit and Rubinstein lines he is the most charming and relaxed horse I have had the privilege to meet. Its as though he has been on this Earth before. I know I need to be brave and that riding him is something I can do and I have tapped into my confidence reserves built up by passing exams that alarmed me and jumping things that should not have passed a sensible risk assessment. Then it snowed and I am on edge WAITING. Trying to hold on to my feelings of courage and adrenalin. This waiting leads to reflection and my writing commissions have contributed to the process too as I have produced copy about taking and passing exams and becoming a coach I have naturally revisited my own past experiences and the journey to now. Far too much emotion I feel. I know the feelings I want to hold onto. I find myself in a place which is similar to the early days of working a horse on the bit. There is a magic feel as you master the connection then you lose balance or something changes and you worry that you will never again be able to get the feeling back. A trainer said to me at that time don't be afraid you know more than you think you do and you can get that connection back. Right now I am working on the basis that my centre is not lost its just not being used. My light bulb moment came at the weekend. Phil and I talked a lot last year about moving forward and two things stayed in my mind, the first was that when things are going well "look in the mirror" a perplexing statement at the time as I was still buzzing from the HI experience. I realised as I was working through my core exercises with more confidence in my balance than I have felt for a while that he was talking about reflection. Look at yourself from the outside to see what needs to change to move on was how I finally understood it. The other thing that I have held onto was "Next Job" So now its time to turn reflection into action. I had two presents at Christmas which are still making me smile; one mug captioned "Keep calm and carry on" and the other "Horseriding- the art of keeping the horse between you and the ground." Simple instructions I am working on.
I spent the morning with my horse family and had lots of fun coaching Rachel, Francesca and Annette in a showjumping session where we worked through related distances and a water tray. I then had a lovely play with Jack, Rachel had a ride and then I working Jack to develop his flying changes before cooling him off with some walk pirouettes- the left was good and the right was excellent so on that note I put him away and after watched as he and Ginty rolled and rolled in the field most happy with life! We then headed back for urgent horse shopping- more Horsehage, Bedmax and Baileys and still in holiday mood we headed to Cafe Brio for lunch. Evening stables was soon upon us and the horses were very mellow as they sunbathed whilst I changed their rugs. A gorgeous holiday respite in and amongst the chaos and upheaval.
