They say there is no time limit for grief. I lost Jack in February and have struggled to blog about the everyday happenings at Solitaire Dressage since. The trouble is I haven't felt able to write an obituary or visit this page which I created to celebrate the adventure I began when I met Jack. The story of my time with Jack did not end in November when I last blogged about riding him at YHL or in January when I last rode him at training and wrote an article about his daily routine for CTR Magazine. In many ways it didn't end with our last goodbye as I shared my grief with his companion Marmalade and later cried long stinging tears into the warm comfort of Sebastian's mane. I pulled myself together enough to go on with the daily routine and was grateful to teach a lesson later that week and to connect with the combination enough to enjoy the magic of a horse learning. Grief is a personal experience that bites at many different and unexpected times and to write about it without crying is still impossible. Still I have happy and sad times I need to write about and today is time to face the tears again without fear as the emotions remind me of what a special and lasting bond we have. I write with conflict over using the present tense yet I still feel his influence.
My return to riding Sebastian was bittersweet as I remembered there were other horses to share time with, to look forward to meeting to enjoy getting to know at home and in the competition arena. Sebastian a horse who Jack loved is my comfort blanket, I have ridden him many times, never fallen off him and would always wish to be on him in a tense or tricky situation. I was as relaxed as I could be hacking on a cool spring evening. When we met a pigeon, I lost my balance falling into a ditch. Bruised but not battered my pride took the worse of the tumble. I was relieved to not injure either arm (they already have many rehab hours to record) but that was the day I decided to get fit emotionally and physically to ride again. More importantly I suppose it rekindled the I am rider flame that never really goes out!
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